The Cons of Entrepreneurship, Part 1 of 25,000: You will be poor.

This weekend, I realised something. I have not bought a swimsuit in about four years.

This would not be such a big problem if, say, four years ago I bought 500 swimsuits, and the fact that I no longer had one was not a problem. I could just go buy some more! Right after I picked my Chanel bag up from its monthly cleaning.

I do not have Chanel bag, but worse yet, I DO NOT HAVE A SWIMSUIT. Summer has decided to go ahead and show its pretty sweaty little face FINALLY, and I happened to lose the bottoms of my swimsuit right in the midst of its great revival. Imagine if when Jesus made his comeback, there were no Easter bunnies to greet him. I know. Tragedy.

Also, my underwear has holes in it, and the remains of my fashion industry wardrobe, much of which I sold off during the great What the Fuck Was I Thinking that took place last year, have outworn their welcome. Yes, if I see that dress one more time, I will totally kick its ass.

So it is apt timing that when I get sick of everything in my closet, I also get sick of being poor. And I know I'm not supposed to say this out loud, because apparently if I'm grateful for money it will come but WHAT THE EFF EVER. And I can be negative 10% of the time, because these days it really is only 10% of the time, and right now, I'm in the narrow 1% of that 10%, and this means I am in a bad mood. And gosh darn it, I want a new swimsuit.

To do what I do, you have to be positive, because otherwise you could not remain clinically insane enough to embark on your own endeavours. I feel a little like The Little Mermaid when she wants to walk, except I don't have trinkets and whatsits galore, that spoiled little brat. BE GRATEFUL YOU PRETTY FISHY CREATURE. And the thing is, I AM grateful. I have a beautiful Future Husband, a beautiful Puppy Dog, a drop dead beautiful project in my hands and a beautiful wedding I am soon going to take part in. I just want a new swimsuit! WAHHHHH!

Sometimes, believing in yourself is the hardest thing you can possibly do. All you can think is “Seriously? Again?” and “Can't you just be normal?” and “But I just want a snow cone!” and life's simplicity becomes a thing you ache for the most. Because when you sacrifice everything to do what you love, life is financial insecurity and never going overseas and frequent doubts and it sometimes means that losing your bikini bottoms can send you straight into a mini breakdown.

In the past year, every single dollar I've made has gone towards a bill or a course and ever so occasionally, food. (I have tried to starve myself, but I don't get it. What do you do when you get hungry?). And I mean, these courses have changed my life, I am SO grateful for these courses, but I'd also REALLY like to get my toenails painted. Never having any money to do what you want is bound to send you on a crash course in living that leads straight into a wall, at least some of the time. Especially when that time DOES NOT SEEM TO EVER END. You'll work harder than anyone you know, with the exception of maybe President Obama, and you still won't get your reward. Where is it? Did it got lost along its way, or something? Because it's probably really sad out there on its own, I should go pick it up, JUST TELL ME WHERE IT IS.

Is it all worth it? I don't know, ask me when I'm 80. Because I can honestly say I DON'T know if I'll succeed. Am I deluded? All evidence would point to “yes.”Have I gotten it wrong? Have you met Final Episode, my devil child? One thing I do know is that even in my darkest hours, when I have to change in front of a friend and she realises that I do not have fully insulated panties, I still believe that this project is different. This project is worth it, this project is needed, this project is coming from my soul. I have to believe. Without belief nobody would ever accomplish anything, and the world would be starved of innovation.

That's not to say that I don't sometimes wish I was that lobster singing about how there's nothing really wrong with the sea, anyway. Ignorance is indeed bliss, but surely it's no match for passion, right?
Passion PLUS a new bikini, though? Well, kill me and send me straight to heaven, why don't you.

Wise man.